I Hear You But I'm Not Listening

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“I Hear You, But I’m Not Listening”
Most of us retain only one-fourth of what we hear.

by Mary May Larmoyeu x

When our French neighbors visited us for dinner the other night, I was amazed by how well their four-year-old
daughter spoke English. It was actually easier for me to communicate with her than her parents!

At one point in the evening the dad told my husband and me that he sometimes says to his daughter, “Please stop
speaking English.” He explained that he becomes exhausted from trying to understand what she says.

Although he can hear the syllables that pour out of her mouth, he found it difficult to continuously listen for the
meaning of her English words.

Listening is hard work—work that Jesus Himself said is important. “Listen to Me,” He told the crowd in Mark 7:14, “…
and understand.”

Hearing vs. listening

Hearing and listening are not the same thing. Think of it this way: Hearing can be compared to listening just like
seeing can be compared to reading. A person who is dyslexic can see the letters on a page, but unless he receives
proper training, he can’t really understand their meaning.

Most of us are not natural listeners even though much of our day requires this skill. We learn how to read and write,
but how many of us have ever taken a class on listening? Yet, it's been said that up to 80% of our waking hours are
spent communicating in some way, and over half of that time is spent listening.

Studies describe most people as poor listeners. It’s as though we could say, “I hear you, but I’m not listening.”

Why? One reason is because we can think faster than we speak. Most of us can speak up to 125 words per minute,
but we have the ability to understand the spoken word at gusts of up to 400 words per minute.

The vast difference between speaking speed and thought speed means that when we listen we’re only using about
25% of our mental capacity … so our minds tend to wander. In general, we understand and retain only one-fourth of
what we hear.

Four styles of listening

To make matters worse, we not only are poor listeners, but we also have different listening styles. Rick Warren has
identified and described four types of listeners as follows:

1. The Judgmental Listener. This person already has his mind made up and doesn’t want to be confused by the
facts.

2. Interrogative Listener. This person thinks that good listening consists of continuously firing a series of questions
at the person.

3. The Advice-Giving Listener. They listen only long enough to make a quick assessment and then they get to
what they really want to do—offer unsolicited advice.

4. Empathetic Listener. This person listens to capture the feelings of the speaker, not just the content of words.
The Empathetic Listener pays attention to nonverbal signs such as tone, facial expressions, and body language. This
involves listening with eyes, not just ears.

I would love to tell you that I’m naturally an empathetic listener. That’s who I want to be. But I lean more towards giving
advice. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to help and give suggestions, but they are not useful unless
someone wants advice. After all, God waits for us to ask Him.

Another reason that we often don’t listen well is because of our poor listening habits.

The “10 worst listening habits of American people”

Ralph G. Nichols, author of the book Are You Listening? described in speeches and articles the following “10 worst
listening habits of American people.” We can practice these poor habits not only when we are listening to a public
speaker, but also when we are communicating with a loved one or friend:

(1)   Call the subject matter uninteresting

(2)   Criticize the delivery or the appearance of the speaker

(3)   Become stirred up by something the speakers says

(4)   Listen only for individual facts

(5)   Try to outline everything that is being said

(6)   Fake attention

(7)   Tolerating or creating distractions

(8)   Evade the difficult

(9)   Submitting to emotional words

(10) Wasting thought-power because we think faster than people speak

Are you guilty of any of these poor habits? I sure am.

But there's hope! We can become better listeners!

Six listening skills

Michael Hyatt, Chief Executive Officer of Thomas Nelson Publishers, wrote in his blog Leading with Purpose, that
listening appears to be a lost art. “We live in a world,” he says, “where everyone is talking but few are listening.”

Hyatt says that we can improve our listening ability. He suggests six listening skills that he’s also trying to practice:

(1) Be fully present.

(2) Ask a question.

(3) Ask a second question.

(4) Put yourself in the other person’s shoes.

(5) Validate their thoughts and feelings.

(6) Repeat back what you heard.

How can we wrap our minds around Hyatt’s suggestions? I think it begins by putting aside distractions when we want
to not just hear but listen. Turn off the TV. Put down the newspaper. Turn off the cell phone. Walk away from the
computer.

Also, I’ve started praying that I’ll be a good listener and that God will “tap me on the shoulder” and remind me to be
fully present, empathetic, and truly concerned when I hear the words of a friend or loved one.

A life-long process

The next time we feel like someone is speaking a foreign language, let’s ask God to help us really listen. It won’t be
easy.

Actually, effective listening is very hard work ... a life-long process.

Listening isn't natural. It takes the focus off of ourselves and puts it on another. But if we really think about it, heart-
felt listening is a gift of love.

And love says, “I hear you, and I’m listening.”

Mary is the author of Help for Busy Moms: Purposeful Living to Simplify Life and the
co-author of The Resurrection Eggs® Activity Book. She and her husband, Jim, live
in Little Rock, Arkansas, and have two married sons and five grandchildren. Visit her
at www.marymaywrites.com ,read her blog for grandparents , or Examiner.com
column.

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