Three Keys That Will Transform a Marriage by Mary May Larmoyeux |
| Disrespect, drunkenness, and adultery were frequent guests in the home of Paul and Mona Sproull’s failing marriage. Paul says that he had one of the world’s worst tempers. “I ruined automobile transmissions and broke equipment—all out of anger.” Finally, Paul became fed up with life. Fed up with marriage. Fed up with himself. There was no one to turn to, except God. “In 1979,” he says, “I prayed and asked Christ to take complete control of my life.” And He did. Today, Paul and Mona Sproull are totally committed to the Lord and to one another. Paul says, “Our God has grown and matured our marriage from nothing to what we consider to be one of the finest marriages we know of.” Three Keys to Respect After becoming believers, Paul and Mona searched the Scriptures to learn about God’s design for marriage. They turned to Ephesians 5:33, “Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.” Mona says, “We don’t hear enough about the respect factor. We hear about the love factor.” In some ways, it’s easy to take out the sketchbook of life and outline a picture of love: It’s the kiss of a bride and groom, the embrace of a wife when her military husband returns from war; it’s a neatly drawn heart on Valentine’s Day with the message “Be mine forever!” But what does a picture of respect look like? As Christ worked in Paul and Mona’s hearts and marriage, it became evident to them that poor communication had caused many of their marriage problems. Over the years, they began to understand the importance of practicing three keys to respect: Key One: Deferral Paul describes respect in one word: Deferral. He says it’s a husband and wife transparently sharing their thoughts and feelings with one another in a manner that says, “I’m listening.” It’s considering how you are going to speak and realizing that words can’t be taken back. For years, Paul and Mona worked together in an engraving business. Paul was not particularly good at proofreading, and sometimes he made costly mistakes. “It was always a sore spot between my wife and me,” he says. How Mona approached those mistakes spoke respect or disrespect. Key Two: Avoid “You” Statements Paul couldn’t get past the messenger to the message when Mona said, “You always do this. This is the kind of messes you make [in the engraving business]. It cost us $__ every time you do this.” But as she learned to calmly explain problems, she communicated a message that he heard. He learned how important it was to have every piece proofread before it was ever touched on the machine. When Mona and Paul read Dennis Rainey’s book Staying Close, they learned not to say you statements such as “You do this; you do that; you always; you never … .” “People need to get those kind of statements out of their conversations in their marriage,” Mona says. Key Three: Consideration Mona describes respect in one word: Consideration. For the first three decades of her marriage, she and Paul frequently spoke back and forth to each other in disrespectful ways. “It was the common thing,” she says. “Everybody talked that way. My parents talked that way. Everybody who visited you had their own cute little way of insulting each other.” As she and Paul grew in their Christian walk, they realized “This is not Christlike, this is ugly. This is sinful.” They began to consider one another before they spoke. Mona shared an illustration of a husband saying to his wife, “I think we ought to go to Pennsylvania to visit your relatives this weekend.” Respect considers what he says, and answers in honorable words. It might respond, “That’s a wonderful idea, but let’s consider the cost of gas and whether we can afford it.” Considering another doesn’t say, “No, I think you are wrong.” True Understanding Mona says that true understanding is impossible unless couples realize they are two sinners. The turning point in her marriage was when she and Paul each realized they were sinners who desperately needed The Savior to take control of their lives and marriage. Today, Mona often tells newlyweds to regard their mate as an instrument of God. She shares how the wedding vows are a bride’s promise to allow her husband into her life as a representative of the Lord. She says to young wives: “As he becomes one flesh with you, God will work thorough him to make you grace-like. So, his sinfulness will work to make you grace-like.” Mona says unless couples grasp this concept, they will have a very difficult marriage. Years ago, “Queen of Soul” Aretha Franklin sang about respect. She bellowed out, R-E-S-P-E-C-T, and then added, “Find out what it means to me.” To Paul and Mona Sproull, respect means responding with grace to one another and not bringing up past offenses. Practicing it has not only opened the door to understanding, but also transformed their lives and marriage. |
| www.marymaywrites.com |
Mary is the author of Help for Busy Moms: Purposeful Living to Simplify Life and the
co-author of The Resurrection Eggs® Activity Book. She and her husband, Jim, live in
Little Rock, Arkansas, and have two married sons and five grandchildren. You can
contact her at mary@marymaywrites.com.
co-author of The Resurrection Eggs® Activity Book. She and her husband, Jim, live in
Little Rock, Arkansas, and have two married sons and five grandchildren. You can
contact her at mary@marymaywrites.com.
Copyright (c) Mary May Larmoyeux. All rights reserved.